And it begins again.
A foot thrown across my face in the wee hours of the morning. I slowly wake to find Genevieve tucked up under my side. I attempt to roll over only to find Kate (or is it Isabel?) on the other side. Oh, that’s Brian. Kate has curled up under him. ARGH! I try to unwind from the sheet that has become untucked and tangled around my legs in the night WITHOUT waking up the bed full of children.
I sneak down the stairs bringing Amelia. If I leave her in my room she will wake everyone up when she wakes up in a few. I cherish these quiet early morning. My coffee, iPad, and Amelia. Savoring my coffee, thinking about the day what I want to accomplish, praying.
I am so thankful for how God is using the circumstances of my life to change me. I think that somewhere around the time Genevieve was born, I think I have struggled with depression or something. I am not exactly sure what triggered it. Im sure it was an accumulation of things along with straying away from God. Just in little ways, though. Not enough to hurt anything- or so I thought. That combined with being a single parent half the year- being pregnant or nursing the last 7 years (LOL)- homeschooling, etc. You get the picture, I am sure. Life. Life happened.
So, now you know why I haven’t been blogging.
Since I am feeling better, I have really become close to my Mom. Close like I always wanted to be. Talking to her, I realize that my “issues” must be genetic. She had the same struggles as a mom as I do. I believe my Nanny (her Mom) and my Granny (Nannie’s Mom) both had the same problems. Thankfully, we are at a wonderful church that has many older godly ladies that I can talk to. Through many conversations with them and much prayer, I have learned that sometimes you need more help. And, I do. More help as in the medication kind. I struggle with postpartum, chaos, messes, busyness, life with small children. HA! I got a prescription and slowly began to feel better. Still, sometimes I want to cry out, “No one ever told me it would be this hard!! WAH!! EVERYONE PLEASE STOP CRYING!!!! It’s Mommy’s turn!!”
Some wonderful ladies, including my mom were so helpful after Amelia. They all shared with me the struggle they had when they were moms of small children. There was an entire network of godly ladies praying for me, I later found out. They came over and helped me with my housework, children, and meals several times. It was reassuring to know that I was not alone, others had been there.
One of my wonderful friends has introduced me to a new way of eating called Trim Healthy Mama. I would describe it as a low glycemic lifestyle. I am feeling so healthy because of this way of eating! I have so much energy! I bound out of bed every morning, roaring to go. Because of this wonderful way of eating, I want to slowly wean myself off of the medication.
At the beginning of their year, I wanted as my motto or goal to be to always “Choose Joy!” No matter the circumstances. I honestly believe God has a sense of humor, because it was almost as if he said, “Okay, you asked for it!” Sort of like, not praying for patience, you know?
Rambling on, am I making any sense? Life, you know? Life goes on. There is no better time. This is it. Make the best of the life God has given you. LOVE Him. He is changing my heart to love HIM which is teaching me how to love others. I never understood that before. I get it now. Totally. Each day, we have a choice. We can choose JOY, living for Jesus. Or we can choose to wallow in our troubles. Granted, sometimes we need help to do that. To see that sometimes, even.
I guess I am just trying to kind of talk about what God is doing in my heart. But, in order for you to understand it, you have to know what I was going through. I keep trying to list it all out, but it reads like a Lifetime Movie script! HAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, though. God is good. Life is not always good. But, God is.
Footsteps pounding down the stairs. Chocolate milks to be made. Diapers and pull-ups to be changed. Laundry to be washed, dried, folded, and put away. Dirty dishes still in the sink.
A new day, but yet the same.
Still living and learning…..